One Shrek To Bring Them All
by Scarlett Moonchild
Summary: CH 19 NEW! Shrek finds his swamp filled with dead people, and finds himself on a quest to Mordor with the Fellowship, in a bargain to get it back.
1. Elrond's Headache

A/N: Don't ask, LOL. I don't know where this one came from.

DISCLAIMER: LOTR/Shrek not mine.

ONE SHREK TO BRING THEM ALL

Chapter One – Elrond's Headache

The leaders of the free peoples of Middle Earth were sitting around, arguing over a stump.

Actually, it was the shiny thing that lay on the stump that garnered so much attention. The Ring of Power, forged by the Dark Lord himself, had been found.

This was Imladris, and Elrond had called a meeting of the Council to decide what should be done with the Ring.

Elrond himself was sitting on his throne, rubbing his throbbing temples. The Council had been arguing for the better part of the day. Mostly over which race should be chosen to bear the Ring to Mordor, where it could be destroyed.

Elrond sighed. The Elves were afraid the Ring would fall into the hands of the Dwarves. The Dwarves didn't want to let the Elves get it. The Men were outraged that a mere Ranger could be their King. Gandalf, the Grey Wizard, was trying in vain to restore order, using the Black Speech of Mordor.

And Elrond hadn't had a headache this bad since the Second Age. He was on the verge of taking the damn thing to Mordor himself, if it would shut everybody up and stop this foolishness.

Suddenly, there came a great roar that shook the ground and blew leaves off of the trees as it rang through the Council's meeting place.

"R-O-O-O-A-A-A-R-R-R!!!"

Everyone looked at Gandalf. "Not me!" He shook his head, bewildered.

Three small figures sprang from the bushes surrounding the Council. Two attached themselves to Elrond's legs. Merry and Pippin.

The third figure hurtled himself between Frodo and whatever had made that noise, shouting, "You shall not take him!" It was Sam.

Slowly, everyone turned to look at what had made that dreadful noise.

It was a huge green monster, with pointy horn-like ears and big teeth. It looked very angry.


	2. Settling Over A Pint

ONE SHREK TO BRING THEM ALL

Chapter Two – Settling Over a Pint

"An Ogre!" shouted Boromir. "Grab your torch and pitchforks!"

The Ogre put his hands up and offered, "Can't we just settle this over a pint?"

At that, Merry and Pippin disengaged themselves from Elrond's legs. "Wait!" Merry said, putting his hands up. "Maybe the Ogre is friendly!"

"Yeah!" agreed Pippin. "A lot of things are better after a pint." To Merry, he whispered, "It comes in pints?"

Sam spoke up, "In my opinion, you were better off not knowing that, Pippin." Pippin stuck his tongue out at Sam.

"There will be no drinking!" Elrond looked severely at Merry and Pippin, who shrank back.

"Heh, what about that little stash of yours in the Study, Elrond?" Gimli put in. "Don't think we don't know about that miruvor!"

"That's for medicinal purposes only!" Elrond disagreed.

"Hmmph. Sure it is," Gimli winked at Gandalf, who snickered.

Elrond turned the Evil Eye on both of them and they got really quiet. He turned to the visitor. "You. Ogre. Have you a name?"

"Um…Shrek," the Ogre replied hesitantly.

"Can I say something?" a voice came from behind the Ogre. Shrek stepped aside and everyone could see a small donkey standing there.

"The donkey talks?" Boromir asked, unbelievingly. "That was a trick! The Ogre is trying to distract us so he can take the Ring!"

"That's right, fool!" the donkey replied. "I'm a talking donkey! And if I do say so," he continued to Elrond, "This is a very beautiful place you've got here. Just lovely. You must tell me who your decorator is. It almost reminds me of that place where I –"

Shrek clapped his hand over the donkey's mouth. "Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the real trick."

"Indeed." Elrond stood up and pointed to the Ring, which was still on the stump. "Ogre, would you be willing to go on a quest for me?"


	3. Saving the Swamp

ONE SHREK TO BRING THEM ALL

Chapter Three – Saving the Swamp

"The name is Shrek, and I'm already on a quest," said the Ogre angrily. "A quest to get my swamp back!"

Everyone stared. Gandalf finally spoke up. "Who would want to take a whole swamp?"

Shrek put his hands on his hips and glared at Gandalf. "It's my home, okay? And no one took it! I woke up one morning and it was filled with dead people!"

Aragorn looked confused. "Aren't the Dead Marshes supposed to be filled with dead people? I thought it was the Men, Elves and Orcs who fought in the first conflict with Sauron."

Shrek rolled his eyes. "Look, just because it's called the Dead Marshes doesn't mean that there have to be dead people floating around in it! I mean, I'm an Ogre, but I'll only go so far."

"Yeah!" Donkey piped up. "It was clean…for a swamp…until just a few days ago. Now there are dead bodies all over the place. The next thing you know, people are talking, saying you murdered a bunch of people, and then –"

"SILENCE!" thundered Elrond. The ground shook beneath the force of his word.

Frodo fell back in his chair like someone had hit him. "Sam," he asked weakly, "do you have anything for a headache?" He rubbed his temples.

Sam searched through his bag for a moment, and then brought out two aspirin. "Here you go, Mr. Frodo."

Elrond looked indignant. "You mean you've had aspirin this whole time and you never told me?"

Sam gulped. "You-you never asked."

"Grrrr." Elrond's hair was beginning to smoke. "May I have some aspirin?" He spoke through tight lips.

"Now, Mr. Elrond, say please." Sam chided him.

"Please."

"Frodo just took my last two!" Sam told him cheerfully. Then he ducked as Elrond's throne came flying over his head.

A shout from Boromir brought them all back to the matter at hand.


	4. Shrek Examines the Ring

A/N: YIKES! I forgot to put this chapter in! It sorta explains how Donkey got put in the corner, LOL. Sorry! :)

DISCLAIMER: LOTR/Shrek not mine

Chapter Four: Shrek Examines the Ring

"Look! The Ogre has the Ring!" shouted Boromir. "We must kill him before he takes off with it!"

Shrek had picked up the Ring to examine it. "Hmm," he said. "You have to destroy this? Why? It's kind of…pretty." He put the Ring on his finger, and disappeared.

Donkey started to panic. "Where did you go? Shrek? Shrek! Don't leave me here to die!"

"Come off it!" An invisible hand slapped Donkey, to try to get him back in his right mind. Unfortunately, Donkey didn't know it was Shrek, so that made him worse. Donkey screamed like a little girl and jumped up into Elrond's lap.

Elrond threw the animal off of his lap. "OGRE! Reappear this instant and take care of this…this…pet of yours!"

"Pet?" Donkey was insulted. "I prefer 'noble steed'."

Elrond massaged his temples again and muttered, "Noble steed, my ass," under his breath.

Shrek reappeared, having taken off the Ring. "No, unfortunately, he's my ass." He grinned at Elrond, who shrunk back from the sight of those big teeth. "But you can borrow him any time."

Donkey stomped off to sulk in the corner. "Hmmph! I know when I'm not wanted."

Shrek rolled his eyes. "No, actually, you _don't_ seem to know when you're not wanted. Don't forget how we met…"

"Will you two quit arguing and listen to me?" Elrond was nearly purple with rage. "I asked you go on this quest for me. Will you do it?"

Shrek turned the Ring over in his palm. "I guess so, but if I succeed in destroying this Ring, can I have my swamp back?"

"Sure, sure," Elrond waved a hand at him in dismissal. "Go on this quest and I'll give you your swamp back."

"And the dead bodies?" Shrek prompted him.

"As good as gone. Now can we please get back to business here before my head explodes?"

Frodo put in, "You really should take one of those aspirins. They do wonders for a headache." He ducked as a potted plant came flying at his head.


	5. The Fellowship

ONE SHREK TO BRING THEM ALL

Chapter Five: The Fellowship

Shrek turned back to Elrond. "What if I should fail? What then?"

Elrond closed his eyes. "Then Middle Earth is doomed, and your swamp will be lost forever…along with most life as we know it."

Shrek considered this. "Pretty bad. Hmm." He smiled. "OK, if it'll save my swamp, I'll do it."

Boromir stood back up. "Whoa…time out. Um, Elrond? Shouldn't some of us go with him? You know, just to make sure he doesn't take off with the Ring and turn evil and kill us all?"

Elrond thought this over. "Yes, that's a good idea. Why don't you go along, Gandalf?"

"Always me." Gandalf rolled his eyes, but went to Shrek. "I will help you bear this burden, as long as it is yours to bear."

Shrek gave him an odd look. "Burden? That's not nice…it's just a donkey."

Donkey grunted from his corner. "I heard that."

Aragorn also got up and went to Shrek. "If by my life or death I can serve you, I will. You have my sword."

"Uh…" said Shrek, "if you really want to come along, that's great. But I think I can fight for myself. I am an Ogre, after all, and quite fearsome."

Boromir, not to be outdone by Aragorn, came forward. "If this is indeed the will of the Council," he paused and Elrond nodded tiredly. "Then Gondor will see it done."

Legolas came forward as well. "And you have my bow."

Shrek tried to take the bow from him, "Thanks."

Legolas swatted him. "Not so fast! That's not what I meant!"

Gimli didn't particularly care to go, but Legolas had a foot in the door, and he couldn't let the Elf out-volunteer him. "And you have my axe…but…er…I'm not giving it to you, you understand."

Shrek was getting confused. "If you say so…is this all necessary?"

Frodo went and stood with Shrek. "It's my fault the Ring is here. Bilbo left it to me. I'll go and help, if I can. Although, I do not know the way."

Sam jumped in too. "Mr. Frodo's not going anywhere without me!"

Elrond waved him on. "Go, then. It's impossible to separate the two of you. Does anyone else find that a little creepy?" Everyone except Sam raised his hand, even Frodo.

Sam blushed. "Hey…I'm just defending my friend."

Merry came up and slapped him on the shoulder. "If you say so, pal." He winked at Sam. Sam blushed even redder, if that was possible. "Me and Pip are going too! This'll be fun!"

Pippin grinned and stood up too. "Yes, maybe we can find some good taverns along the way."

Elrond looked relieved. "Good, you'll be out from under my feet then."

Shrek looked at Donkey. "Well?"

Donkey looked back at Shrek, challenging him. "Well, what?"

Shrek threw his hands up in the air. "All right! I'm sorry! Will you please come with me? At least I'll have somebody I'm familiar with on this trip."

Donkey smiled (if donkeys can smile). "That's more like it!" He trotted to stand with Shrek. "Shrek and Donkey! Two stalwart friends on a whirlwind adventure…with all these other guys too."

Shrek rolled his eyes. "Why do I feel like I'll regret this?"

Legolas glared at Gimli. "I already do."

Gimli growled at him. Legolas shrieked. "Okay, he's scaring me now."

Elrond sighed heavily. "Eleven companions. Very well, you shall be the Fellowship of the Ring." He waved them away. "Now get the hell out of here. I'm going to bed."

They all shrugged, and turned to depart.

A/N: This has possibilities. Are you liking it? Review! Hehe.


	6. Fuzzy Wuzzy Cuddly Fluff

Chapter Six: Fuzzy Wuzzy Cuddly Fluff

"Hold it right there, Mister!" A female voice rang with authority.

Everybody turned around, but Aragorn cowered. He cursed audibly. He had almost made it out of Rivendell without a scene.

Shrek caught sight of Arwen Evenstar, and gave a whistle. "Who is that?"

"Arwen, Aragorn's fiancée," whispered Legolas.

"She's got him whipped," added Gimli.

Aragorn waved them to silence, and plastered an adoring smile on his face. "Yes, love?"

Arwen crossed her arms and scowled. "Where do you think you're going?"

Aragorn gulped. "Um, I'm going on a quest for your Father, to destroy the Ring of Power."

"Ring of Power, is it?" Arwen looked interested. "Let me see it."

Shrek shrugged and was about to hand it over when Legolas stopped him. "Wait, Shrek, don't do it."

"Why not?" asked Shrek.

"Because it's the Ring of 'Power'," Legolas replied. "If she gets any more power over Ary, he'll be eating dirt. Just look at him."

Aragorn was on his hands and knees, kissing Arwen's toes.

Shrek made a face. "You're right. Sorry," he told Arwen. "We're…um…" He looked to the others for help. Frodo made a gesture of pointing to his wrist. "Pressed for time, yeah, we…can't be late, you know."

Arwen pouted, then turned back to Aragorn. "But you were going to leave me without saying good-bye!"

Aragorn was torn. He wanted to appear as a macho, rugged King-to-be in front of the other men, but he also wanted to consider Arwen's feelings. After all, he would have to put up with her for the rest of his life. So he did what any respectable man would do.

He groveled.

"Oh please, my darling," he begged. "Don't be angry with me. I know my Iddy Biddy Widdle Dumpling wanted to say good-bye."

The Fellowship was wide-eyed. The Future King of Men was talking baby-talk.

Arwen smiled at him. "I know my Fuzzy Wuzzy Cuddly Fluff wouldn't hurt my feelings on purpose."

The Fellowship had tried desperately to keep a straight face. Or maybe they didn't try hard enough. At any rate, the "Fuzzy Wuzzy Cuddly Fluff" was the last straw. All ten of them dissolved into laughter.

Aragorn stiffly stood up. After a last courteous kiss to Arwen's cheek, he turned and strode out of Imladris.

But not before stepping on ten pairs of toes on his way out.


	7. The Quest Begins

**A/N: Sorry to take so long to update! I hope I won't have another hiatus like that one. It sucked. Majorly. Thanks to everyone who's reviewing! I hope I don't disappoint you, you guys rock! Read on!**

**DISCLAIMER: LotR/Shrek not mine.**

**ONE SHREK TO BRING THEM ALL**

**Chapter 7: The Quest Begins**

The motley Fellowship of the Ring began the trek southward to Mordor. Shrek and Gandalf led the way, mostly because Gandalf knew where he was going. Shrek also decided early on that he didn't want to walk with anyone else in the group.

The Hobbits got on his nerves something dreadful. All Merry and Pippin could talk about was either food or drink. Currently, they were singing (literally) the praises of a tavern back home called the Green Dragon. Apparently this was THE place to go.

"And don't get me started on Sam and Frodo," Shrek thought to himself. "They're really starting to creep me out the way they hang all over each other." It was hard to tell whether there was something questionable going on or not, since it appeared that Frodo didn't notice the way Sam was staring at him.

Frodo was looking at Legolas, and seemed to have quite forgotten his headache.

Shrek rolled his eyes. "Aye me," he thought. "Now there's a man who knows he's pretty." Legolas couldn't go five minutes without tossing his hair about, or preening himself. It was almost more than Shrek could bear, and he had to silence his Ogre instincts from pulverizing the Elf Prince on the spot. "Think nasty thoughts, think nasty thoughts," he told himself.

Gimli, son of Gloin, made a big show of hating the Elf. Unfortunately, he also didn't trust Shrek any farther than he could throw him, and kept his axe firmly planted between himself and the Ogre at all times.

Shrek snickered. "I dare him to come near me with that toothpick of a weapon. I'd swing him by his beard."

Then, there was Boromir. The Gondorian was steadily arguing with Donkey about dragons.

"All I'm saying," said Boromir, "is that dragons are dangerous creatures to have around the house! You can never be sure they won't hiccup and set fire to your curtains or something."

Donkey looked angry. "My fiancée resembles that remark, thank you very much! And just when is the last time you've seen a dragon? I remember this one time, when I was just walking through the forest, minding my own business…"

Donkey embarked on a very long tale, and Boromir looked very sorry to have spoken in the first place.

And then there was the future King of Men. Aragorn, son of Arathorn. Better known as Fuzzy Wuzzy Cuddly Fluff. He was sulking, bringing up the rear. Every now and then, he'd look up at one of the other members of the Fellowship and try to speak. But when the person noticed Aragorn looking, he would break out into helpless laughter and say, "Lumpy Umpy Dumpkins!" or some other such nonsense. This would set the whole Fellowship off again, and poor Aragorn looked as though he wouldn't mind remaining a bachelor to the end of his days.

Shrek was deep in discussion with Gandalf about how Ogres are like onions.

"Oh, you mean when you leave them out in the sun, they start sprouting little white hairs," Gandalf was saying.

"NO! They have layers! Ogres have layers, onions have layers…" Shrek was replying, when suddenly, Donkey showed up at his side. "Um…Shrek?"

"Yes?" he replied, slightly annoyed.

Donkey looked up at the Ogre with a hopeful expression. "Do you mind if…um…I mean…Can I walk with you?" 

Shrek looked surprised. "What? Why? What's wrong with that guy back there?" Shrek could never remember all of their names.

Donkey smiled slightly. "He and Gimli are talking about Moria. Gimli says that the reason the mines are so deep is that one day, a bunch of those Dwarves decided to…"

"Whoa! Stop right there." Shrek held up his hands. "What's really going on?"

Gandalf spoke up. "You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cake!"

"NO!" Shrek was getting really annoyed now. "I don't care what everybody likes! Ogres are NOT like cakes!"

Donkey looked uncomfortable, as he continued. "Well…see that horse back there?" Donkey nodded towards Bill the Pony, the laden-down horse who was being led by Samwise.

Shrek glanced back. "Yeah. So?"

Donkey sped up slightly. "I think he likes me."

Gandalf rolled his eyes. "But you're a guy, and he's a guy. Why would he…oh! I see…" The Grey Wizard burst out into laughter.

Donkey nodded again. "Yep. I don't like this, Shrek. Is it really worth it to get your nasty old bog cleared out?"

Shrek stopped in his tracks. "Look, you irritating miniature beast of burden! That 'nasty old bog' is my home, and I don't want a bunch of dead people floating around in it!"

Gandalf cleared his throat. "How about parfait? Everybody likes parfait. "

"I like parfait!" spoke up Boromir. "You don't ask someone, 'Hey, you want to go get some parfait?' and they reply, 'Hell no, I don't like no parfait.'"

Shrek sighed heavily, plugged his ears and dropped behind the Fellowship for awhile.

**A/N: Don't worry about me pairing people off in this story or anything. No slashiness here. It's all in good humour. R/R, and stay tuned. **

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	8. On The Rocks

**A/N: Sorry, I uploaded the wrong ch 8 last night...there are a few minor changes in this one, it makes a little more sense! Thanks for the constructive criticism…there does seem to be too much movie dialogue in this story, now that I'm reading back over it. That'll be one thing I change when I revamp this story. Another is chapter length. Thanks so much for reviewing!**

**DISCLAIMER: LotR/Shrek not mine.**

**ONE SHREK TO BRING THEM ALL**

Chapter 8: On The Rocks

So far, our favorite adventurers – plus two – had been very lucky. They had been traveling for days, with no sign of danger. The only other travelers they had seen were Men. Most of those seemed to be trying to capture those in the party who were a different race…namely all except Boromir and Aragorn.

One Man in particular attempted to sneak up on the party from nearby rocks. Just as the Company came to the top of a large hill, and were going over it single file, pausing dramatically for effect (almost as if there were music playing…), Legolas suddenly jumped in front of Shrek and Gandalf.

"Hush!" the Elf cautioned. "There is someone nearby with malicious intent."

Pippin perked up. "Delicious what? It has been days since I've had a proper second breakfast!"

Merry elbowed him. Hard. "Shut up! Malicious, not delicious! It's a whole different word…it means bad-tasting."

Shrek turned around and shushed them both by clapping his huge hands over their mouths and pulling them off of the ground. "If you don't quiet down and let Elf-Boy listen, I'm going to milk both your livers and drink it for elevensies. Got it?"

The Hobbits nodded with difficulty, since Shrek was still holding them up by their heads.

"Good." The Ogre gave a fierce grin, and set them down. With a last warning glance, he strode back to where the Elf stood listening. "What do you make of it?"

Legolas frowned. "Not sure yet. It might be a Man. It is certainly not an Elf; the footfalls are too heavy. Not a Dwarf either; the being isn't crashing through the undergrowth," he added with a haughty look at Gimli.

Gimli harrumphed and shook his axe menacingly.

Shrek grew impatient with standing around and waiting. He sighed heavily and threw his hands up in the air. "Fine! I'll go see what it is."

"Ringbearer! No!" Boromir cried. "Stop him, someone! He is taking the Ring to Sauron!"

Gandalf bopped him on the head with his staff. "Silence, son of a steward."

"Jeeze," sulked Boromir, rubbing his sore head. "You make that sound like a bad thing." He stuck out his tongue at Gandalf, who muttered something nearly unintelligible about death and dismemberment.

Meanwhile, Shrek was sneaking up on whatever the Elf had heard. Now the thing was just on the other side of the big rock the Ogre was listening at. Shrek snuck around the side of the rock…and POUNCE!

The Fellowship saw Shrek emerge from behind the rock, holding a Man several feet off the ground, by the back of his black cloak. He was obviously a servant or messenger for someone, for he bore a white tattoo of a hand on the back of his neck. Otherwise, he was dressed all in black. Shrek sneered at him. "Gotcha! Who are you, and what are you –"

"Grima Wormtongue!" roared Gandalf. He made his way to where Shrek was holding the Man off the ground. "Just what do you think you are doing?!"

"Back off, Wizard! This is collection day! I want you and every Ogre, Dwarf, Elf, Donkey, and…" he trailed off, staring thoughtfully at the Hobbits. He'd never seen their kind before. "…really…short people to let me kill you and stuff you into this bag." The Man held up a huge burlap sack and shook it open. "I'm taking you all in."

The others looked at each other for a moment, then burst out laughing. Even Boromir was nearly rolling on the ground. "This is almost as rich as 'Fuzzy Wuzzy Cuddly Fluff!'"

Aragorn stopped laughing long enough to give Boromir the Look of Death.

Grima, still dangling in the air, put his hands on his hips. "Just what is so amusing?" he demanded. He spat at them all, and stared them down with steely blue eyes from beneath an untidy mop of black hair.

Shrek spat back, and Grima wiped green slime from his face with a scowl. "How did you think you were going to kill us? Just you by yourself?"

Donkey wiped tears with his hoof and replied, "How did you think we were all gonna fit in that tiny little sack?"

"Yeah," put in Aragorn, "and how did you think you were going to get them all home, if you did."

The Man sighed in frustration. "First off, buddy, I'm not taking them home…they are going to Lord Farquad. He's put a ransom on every fairy tale creature's carcass we can bring in, and then he dumps them in this nasty swamp."

"My Swamp!" yelled Shrek, shaking the Man. "Why would he dump the dead bodies there?"

Grima shrugged, or at least it looked like he was trying to. "We don't know. We just deliver the corpses and collect our cash. So get ready to die!!"

As one motion, every member of the Fellowship drew his weapon. In the next second, the black-clad Man was nervously facing four daggers, three swords, a bow and arrow, an axe, and a hoof. (Donkey had a black belt in karate and wasn't afraid to use it.)

Shrek leaned in menacingly as well, his large teeth looking ready to bite off useful body parts. Grima gulped and gave one last swing at the hand that was holding his cloak. Shrek dropped him, and the servant spat at them one last time, before he ran away screaming.

The Fellowship relaxed. "I see Wormtongue still has the bad habit of spitting everywhere," Gimli remarked, wiping off his pants leg where the last expectoration had landed.

"Well," Gandalf mused. "Strange indeed. So Grima Wormtongue is working for Farquad _and_ Saruman. I wonder who this Farquad is, and why I've never heard of him. I'm supposed to know everything."

Donkey leapt to attention suddenly. "I know who he is!"

Gimli sneezed, "Aaachooo-Bullshit!" and he and Legolas snickered to each other, which brought a glare from the Grey Wizard. They quickly straightened up, then realized they were standing together and jumped apart, swearing at one another. Gandalf rolled his eyes.

Donkey insisted, "Oh pick me, pick me…please!"

Shrek watched as the Man scrambled back down the rocks to wherever he came from. "He is heading for Isengard. Hmmm."

Aragorn snapped his fingers suddenly. "I have seen that white hand before, the one that was tattooed on that wretch's neck. It is the hand of Saruman the White."

Gandalf nodded sadly. "And we already know that Saruman has betrayed us. He must be working with this Farquad, but who is this new enemy?"

Donkey couldn't stand it any longer. He jumped up and down, waving his hoof in the air. "Me! Me! Oh, I know! Me!!!! ME!!!!"

Shrek rolled his eyes. "Fine, who is Farquad? And why did he pick my Swamp to pile all those nassssty carcasses in?"

Frodo looked up sharply. "You just held out the 's' in nasty."

Shrek tittered. "No, I didn't."

Frodo looked confused. "Yes you did. You said nassssty."

"I didn't."

"Did."

"Didn't."

"Did so."

Aragorn looked at Gandalf, and they both nodded silently. "He is starting to feel the power of the Ring," Aragorn said softly. "We must not dawdle. Let us get started again at once."

Donkey sighed and followed. Bill the Pony dropped behind to walk with him, and Donkey nervously sped up a little. "Fine," he thought. "If they won't listen to me, they'll just have to find out for themselves. Hmmph!"

**A/N: Thanks to reviewer _EsmeAmelia_ for giving me the idea for the Saruman/Farquad collaboration. Told you my reviewers are awesome! Will update very soon!**


	9. The Winds of Change

**Disclaimer: LotR not mine, nor is Shrek...sad but true.**

**ONE SHREK TO BRING THEM ALL**

Chapter Nine: The "Winds" of Change

Now more uneasy about their odds of being attacked, Gandalf decided they must continue to travel west of the Misty Mountains, and that they could not afford to camp for long at a time. The result was that everyone rested less each night, and tempers began to flare from lack of sleep. As if everyone was getting along perfectly from the start...

It was on one of these rocky encampments that their plans suddenly changed.

Everyone was fussing over something.

Aragorn refused to sleep next to Boromir, mainly because of the way the Gondorian made fun of him. "Boromir, for the sake of sanity, will you PLEASE let the baby talk go?!" Aragorn pleaded.

Boromir laughed and said, "Oh is my itty bitty wittle dumpkins angry? I'm gonna be a vewy big Kingy Wingy someday. Wook at me!"

Aragorn grabbed a large cast-iron skillet from Sam, who yelped, "Hey! I'm trying to cook your meals here!" He made towards Boromir with the skillet raised over his head.

Gandalf jumped in just in time. "ELESSAR!" he roared, using the powerful voice he had spoken the black speech of Mordor with, back in Rivendell.

Aragorn stopped midswing, and the heavy pan clattered to the ground. Sam gave him a dirty look and scampered forward huffily to reclaim his skillet. "Sorry, Gandalf. He's just being such a...a...grrr!"

Gandalf turned to address Boromir. "Why must Men behave like Ogres?" he asked grouchily.

A deep voice cleared its throat right behind and above Gandalf's head. "Excuse me? Did you just insult Ogres?"

Gandalf the Grey turned white. "Um...no...I insulted Wizards...because, um...they don't behave like Ogres...and um...they miss the opportunity for amazing insight into the minds of the Ogres...and um..."

"All right, all right," Shrek waved him off. "Nice save, my precioussss."

Frodo jumped up from where he was sitting smoking, and knocked the plate Sam was handing him to the ground.

"Mr. Frodo!" Sam cried indignantly.

"Shrek! I heard it that time! You said...'precioussss'."

Shrek paused. "I did? I could have sworn I said 'I'll squeeze the jelly from your eyes.'"

"No...you called him 'precioussss.'" Frodo insisted.

Shrek grew thoughtful. "Wow, that's weird. Actually it's quite good on toast."

"Mr. Frodo, really now, that's not worth getting excited over and knocking the plate over," Sam was fussing at his master. "Your Sam took a long time cooking this, and..."

"YOUR SAM?!" Merry and Pippin nearly lost their footing. Boromir had gotten bored with Gandalf and had wandered off. He had walked over to talk to the Halflings, and now they were learning the art of swordsmanship in combat from Boromir, and were doing rather well at it. In their surprise and amusement at Sam's endearing himself to Frodo so boldly, they doubled over laughing, and Boromir whacked Merry in the hand with the blunt end of his sword.

"Ow!" cried Merry, holding his hand and twirling around in pain.

"Oh!" Boromir rushed forward to check on the Hobbit. "Are you alright? I'm sor-"

Merry mischievously struck back at Boromir, hitting the Man unawares, and laughing. "Ha! Some trick, eh Pippin?...Pippin?" He looked over at the other Halfling, who was still giggling at Sam and Frodo.

"Oh! Yes, good one, Merry!" Pippin struck out at the Man also, and they ended up throwing their swords down and jumping on top of him, knocking him to the ground. They rolled around tickling and wrestling for awhile, and Sam and Frodo giggled back at them.

"I don't want to hear no more from none of you about me, after rolling around with each other...and right in front of everybody!" Sam called to them disgustedly.

Aragorn, who had been sitting there watching after his fight with Boromir, took a final drag from his own pipe, and decided that was enough. "All right, you guys, knock it off. There's too much odd behavior going on here as it is."

As soon as the future King of Men stepped up to the group and tried to pull the Hobbits off of Boromir, Merry and Pippin grabbed his feet. Aragorn lost his balance and fell hard onto his back. Everyone laughed at him. Aragorn staggered to his feet, and went to sit alone and sulk again.

Meanwhile, Donkey (who had been wandering around trying to shake off Bill the Pony) had been conversing with Gimli. The Dwarf was wondering why they did not just go through the Mines of Moria. "If you ask me, we're taking the long way around. My cousin Balin would give us a royal welcome!"

Donkey looked at him askance. "A Donkey. In a mine? You have got to be kidding me. First off, I don't think these" he held up his left front hoof "were made for climbing around in a dark cave. Second...um...well," Donkey lowered his voice. "I happen to know someone in this group who is afraid of the dark!"

Gimli leaned in closer, eagerly hoping it was Legolas, so that he could torture the Elf with this knowledge. "Who? Speak up now! Do tell!"

Donkey glanced around at Shrek. "Well, don't tell the big guy I told you this, but..."

"Shrek?" Gimli said loudly. "Shrek is afraid?"

Shrek heard his name and his head swung around quickly. "What? Afraid of what? I'm not afraid of anything. I'm an Ogre!" He came up to Gimli and Donkey, as did Gandalf.

"He said you were," Gimli said nervously, backing away a little, and pointing to Donkey.

"Gah!" Shrek threw his hands up. "YOU are afraid of the dark, you dense, irritating miniature beast of burden."

Donkey looked sheepish. "Well, OK. I didn't want anyone to know, but...yes, I'm afraid of the dark. Can we please not go through the mines?"

Gandalf nodded an affirmative. "Oh, don't worry, we're not going through the mines."

Donkey looked confused. "But...Gimli said..."

Gandalf gave Gimli a Look of Death. "I'm the boss here, and I say we go around it. There are terrible things under that mountain."

"Yes," put in Legolas. "Dwarves."

Gimli gave him the middle finger. Legolas pretended not to see it, and went back to scanning the horizons for enemies.

"No," Gandalf was saying, "That's not what I meant. I know what's been going on under that mountain in recent years...it is not a safe place to travel at all."

Suddenly Legolas broke through the discussion. "Something approaches in the sky."

Gimli strained to see it. "It's nothing, just a wisp of cloud."

Aragorn saw it too. "It's moving fast, and against the wind."

Legolas' eyes widened. "Crebain, from Dunlend!" (**A/N: Thanks, Kitsume, I changed the word. Sorry!**)

Gandalf sounded the alarm, "Everyone HIDE!" Sam put out the fire, Aragorn gathered up blankets and supplies and threw them into the bushes, and everyone else dove for cover.

Everyone except Shrek. "You guys are afraid of birds? You people are sissies just here for comic relief!" He rolled his eyes and turned his back to the birds.

Donkey shrieked from behind Bill the Pony. "Shrek! Hurry! They'll get you."

Shrek rolled his eyes as the birds got closer. When he could almost feel the wind from their wings, he shut his eyes and concentrated.

FFFFFWWWWWAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHPPPPPPPPPFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!

Suddenly every one of the birds dropped down dead on the ground behind Shrek.

Startled, the Fellowship came out of their hiding places. "What the hell was that?" Gandalf asked. He held his nose, as did everyone else. "Eck! It reeks!"

Shrek looked proud. "That's what I call the Power Fart."

Legolas looked sick. "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever...smelled...in my life. And I've lived a VERY long time." He coughed and nearly vomited. "Ew, it's worse than shorty over here."

"Hey!!" All four Hobbits cried out in unison.

"I meant the Dwarf."

"Hey!" cried Gimli.

Gandalf was looking at the dead birds on the ground. "The spies of Saruman. Hmm, the passage south is being watched. We must take the passage over the mountains." He gestured to Aragorn. "You. Fuzzy Wuzzy Whatever Fluff." Aragorn winced. "Gather up the birds and skin them. Sam can cook them for supper."

Aragorn muttered something about Grey Wizard Stew, and went about the task of cleaning the birds.

A/N: Question...how did they hide Bill the Pony in the movie, when they all jumped under the bushes? Wouldn't it have looked odd for a horse to be standing out in the middle of nowhere, even if they had picketed him nearby to graze? Hmm, just a thought. Thanks for reviewing, and I promise I'll try to update more often. Like it so far? I'm almost to 40 reviews at the writing of this Author's Note. If I can make it to 50, I'll bring in a surprise guest! Ah...suspense!


	10. Cold Feet

A/N: Another loophole...did anyone see Bill the Pony stuck on the snowy ledge of Caradhras? Hmmm. Quoth the Sparrow: "That's interesting....That's very interesting."

Oh...and I will probably get flak from the self-labeled "purists" for using movie-script. Just want to let you all know, I have read, enjoyed and bought everything Tolkien's name is on...it's not a sin to LIKE the movies...and I **_LOVE_** them!

Disclaimer: LotR/Shrek not mine, if I was making money off of this stuff, I wouldn't be writing it here. I'd be on my own private island, relaxing and watching the hurricanes go by...;

ONE SHREK TO BRING THEM ALL

Chapter Ten: Cold Feet

Gandalf had decided the passage through the Misty Mountains was unsafe, and so he decided to lead them up the passage of Caradhras. This just happened to be over a very large, very snowy, and very dangerous looking mountain.

As usual, Gandalf and Shrek led the way, with Legolas and Gimli next, pretending they didn't like each other. Boromir escorted his new buddies, Merry and Pippin, holding their hands like they were two children cross trying to cross the street. Frodo and Sam walked together, Sam leading Bill the Pony, Frodo dragging Donkey kicking and screaming, with a rope he had found in Sam's backpack. Aragorn brought up the rear, sulking once more because nobody wanted to walk with him.

"NO! Please don't make me go up that mountain! It's too high!" Donkey was yelling, as Frodo dragged him up the mountainside.

Shrek sighed and dropped back until he was beside them. He took the rope from a relieved and tired-looking Frodo. "What's the matter? Don't tell me you're afraid of heights."

"No," replied Donkey slowly. "I'm just a little skittish about being up on a high ledge where there's snow and rocks. What if there's an avalanche?"

"There won't be," Shrek assured him.

Donkey stubbornly kept on. "What about a rockslide?"

"There won't be a rockslide," Shrek said, sighing again.

"OK, what if a mean old Wizard decides he wants to try to bring the mountain down on top of us?"

"DONKEY!! Enough!" Shrek bellowed. "There is nothing to worry about. Gandalf knows the way, and besides, Saruman doesn't know our plans; I killed his spies and we ate them, remember?"

Donkey remembered. They had been very tough and game-y. "All right, but I just want you to know I don't like this idea. And PLEASE don't make me walk with that horse again. I just get the feeling he...well...wants to get me alone in a dark place."

Shrek laughed. "You may actually be right about that. But don't worry about the mountain, it's perfectly safe-"

At that moment, Shrek lost his footing and tumbled a little ways down the mountainside, right towards Aragorn. "Aaaaaaaaaaah!!" The Man screamed and tried to jump out of the way. Shrek stopped rolling, right at Aragorn's feet.

The Ogre pulled himself upright and brushed the snow off of his clothing and ears. "Oh, no, please don't try to stop me! Please just let me roll on down the mountainside," he said sarcastically, glaring at Aragorn.

Aragorn smiled sheepishly. "Sorry! You're bigger than me!" He stared in horror at Shrek's neck. "The Ring! It's gone!"

Shrek turned paler green and felt for the chain with the One Ring. It was indeed missing. He cast a glance back over the ground, where he had fallen and rolled. There it was, sitting atop a pile of newly disturbed snow.

Before Shrek could get to it, a hand reached down and plucked it up. Boromir. He dangled the Ring in front of his face by its gold chain. "'Tis a pity we should suffer so much...for something so small..."

"Boromir," Aragorn said nervously. The Gondorian reached out to touch the Ring, oblivious that the entire Fellowship had stopped, watching helpfully, and that he was now officially "making a scene."

"BOROMIR." Aragorn said more sternly, and the spell the Ring had woven over the Man was broken. Boromir came back to reality to find Shrek standing over him, menacingly. He giggled. "I care not," he said lightly, and handed the Ring back to Shrek. The Ogre snatched it and quickly put it back on.

The Fellowship collectively let out the breath it had been holding in a whoosh. Everyone trekked on through the thick snow, trudging slowly up the mountainside.

Soon they reached the top of Caradhras.

At Orthanc, the White Wizard was being driven crazy by his guest. His friend from FVA (Fantasy Villains Academy), Lord Farquad, had come to stay with him for a while. They had talked over old times together, and had decided it might be fun to take over Middle Earth. Saruman had called up another old college friend, Sauron, and asked him if he wanted to help them.

As luck would have it, Sauron had a bone to pick with Middle Earth himself, and was glad to get in on the plan. It turned out that awhile back, a Man had managed to make off with Sauron's Ring of Power. Without this Ring, Sauron was reduced to a single fiery eyeball, and was stuck on top of a tower in his homeland of Mordor.

Luckily, Sauron had been able to regain much of his former strength, so that he was fairly omniscient, and could see where the Ring was if someone touched it or put it on. When Saruman and Farquad had told him they were taking over Middle Earth, Sauron jumped for joy...or at least his elongated pupil did. Finally, he could get his vengeance, and get his Ring back all in one day. Not bad, he mused.

For right now, though, they talked and planned through the palantir, and Saruman had begun to build an army to pillage the land and claim it in the name of Saruman the White. A fiery eyeball flashed through his mind. "Sorry!" He said aloud. "In the name of Saruman, Sauron and Farquad." This eyeball thing was getting creepy.


	11. Ain't No Mountain High Enough

A/N: Almost to 50 reviews! Wow! That means I'll put the surprise guest in the next chapter. I hope you're not disappointed, lol. Thanks you guys for being so faithful to review. I'd _still _like to know where Bill the Pony was up on that ledge in the movie...Anywho, on with the story!

**DISCLAIMER:** LotR/Shrek not mine...Title of chapter not mine, it's a Motown song, **_you_** go look up the copyright info, I've got a story to write!

. ONE SHREK TO BRING THEM ALL 

**Chapter Eleven:** Ain't No Mountain High Enough

The ring-bearer and the others were having a difficult time making the trek through the Pass of Caradhras. The snow seemed to be getting deeper, and the wind was biting harder at their nearly frozen faces every minute.

Legolas led the way, hopping easily over the huge snowdrifts, as if they were no more than small anthills. Shrek followed closely behind, plowing through the snow with his big hands to make a path. Gandalf trudged behind him, holding onto Frodo, his staff carried under his arm. Boromir carried Pippin, and Aragorn held onto Merry. Sam led Bill the Pony, and to Gimli, son of Gloin, fell the task of dragging Donkey through the snow.

The animal had not stopped complaining since they had started their journey uphill in the ice, and Gimli thanked his lucky stars that the wind was now blowing hard enough to drown out Donkey's incessant babbling about avalanches and hypothermia.

In fact, Gimli thought with wonder, it almost sounds like the wind has a voice all its own. Hmmph, must be some trick of the height of the mountain.

But Legolas also heard the voice, and stiffened suddenly. He listened intently, then turned to Shrek and Gandalf. "There is a foul voice upon the air!"

Gandalf paled, not that anyone noticed in all the swirling white snow. "It's Saruman!"

Back at Orthanc, Saruman was beating on the palantir with his staff. "Stupid" _smack!_ "piece" _smack!_ "of" _smack!_ "junk" _smack!_ "I could have sold you in the yard sale and made a lousy 50 cents!"

Suddenly Sauron's flaming eye appeared in the palantir. "SARUMAN!" he growled in a deep, evil voice. "WHAT ON MIDDLE EARTH DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" he asked in the black speech of Mordor (which I will not utter here).

The White Wizard fell back, shaking. "I...ah...that is, Sauron...I thought it was broken, see? I was just trying to...er...knock some sense back into it?"

Sauron's eye of flame narrowed to a slit. "See that you are more careful next time...wizard. Where are they now? I must know!"

"Patience, I will find them. I need the palantir, though...I don't know how to work the 3-way calling, so you'll have to get off of it and let me look in," replied Saruman.

Sauron rolled his eye in disgust, then faded out. Saruman rolled up his sleeves and waved his hands over the palantir, chanting. Slowly an image began to appear in it. "Aha!" He shouted, triumphantly. "So, you lead them over Caradhras, Gandalf. Apparently, you fear what has been unleashed in Moria. A creature of shadow...and flame! My old fool...we shall see."

Grima had been looking over his shoulder into the palantir, and now he scratched his head. "What's with those two?" He pointed to Sam and Frodo, who were now huddling together for warmth.

Saruman looked. "The Hobbits? I don't know. They seem rather...fond of each other, do they not?" He shrugged and moved on to the top of the tower to put his evil mind to work at making their trek up the mountain an unpleasant one. At his behest, the sky became overcast and dark, and as he waved and chanted, the storm clouds made their way to the top of Caradhras.

Back on top of the mountain, however, things began to look bleak. The clouds overhead got thicker, and soon the swirling snow cut off all long-range vision, even for Legolas. Suddenly, there came a wicked clap of thunder, immediately followed by a bright flash, as lightning struck the rocks just above their heads.

"Look out!" cried Gandalf, and they all managed to duck back from the edge of the cliff, as the rocks and snow rained down upon them.

Gandalf dug himself out quickly, and stood at the very edge of the pathway, trying to counter the magic of the corrupt White Wizard. Another thunderclap boomed overhead, before another bright flash of lightning, and this time a bigger avalanche of rocks and snow pelted the climbers. Legolas only barely managed to yank Gandalf to safety before the falling frozen debris obscured the pathway.

The Fellowship shivered as they freed themselves of the captivity of the snowdrifts. Aragorn spoke up, "Gandalf! We must turn back!"

Gandalf turned on him angrily. "No! You're not the King yet, and I'm still the boss! I say we keep moving!"

Aragorn looked taken aback, and shrugged and fell silent.

Donkey piped up, "I knew there'd be an avalanche. No one listens to me, oh no! Why trust a Donkey. They're only stupid animals, no way would they ever be right. You know, I can..."

They never found out what Donkeys can do, for Gimli gave Donkey a sharp rap on the back of the head with the blunt of his ax. The animal's eyes rolled back in his head as he plopped over in the snow.

"Thank you!" came a collective chorus from the Fellowship. Gimli nodded and put his weapon away.

"As I was saying," continued Gandalf, "It is not safe to go into the mines."

Boromir spoke up, "But this will be the death of the Hobbits."

Gandalf looked at the chattering teeth and red cheeks of his Halfling friends, then back at Legolas, who nodded. The Wizard sighed, "Fine, fine. All of you are determined to displace me anyway, so let the Ring-Bearer decide." He sat down in a snowbank to sulk.

Shrek didn't deliberate for long, since his toes were numb. "We will go through the mines!" he called over the wind.

**A/N: STAY TUNED!! **


	12. Goodbye Bill, Hello Trouble

**A/N: SpEcIaL gUeSt!!! R&R.**

**DISCLAIMER: LotR/Shrek not mine.**

**ONE SHREK TO RULE THEM ALL**

**Chapter Twelve:** Goodbye Bill, Hello Trouble

Donkey awoke to find himself in motion. Startled, he lifted his head quickly and took in his surroundings. The first thing he noticed was whose back he had been straddling this entire time.

Bill the Pony.

Donkey shrieked like a little girl and scrambled off of Bill's back. Bill the Pony gave a snort of frustration, and turned to see if Donkey was all right. By then, Donkey had scampered away to hide behind Shrek. Bill considered following, but took note of the Ogre's size and decided to trot along quietly behind Sam, like a good horse.

The second thing Donkey noticed was that the walls of the mountain were snow-free, and they were walking beside a large, foggy pond. "Hey!" he exclaimed. "Where are we?"

Gimli patted him on the head. "These are the walls of Moria."

"Moria?" Donkey looked at Gandalf, confused. "But I thought you said we..."

Gandalf rolled his eyes and threw up his hands. "Don't ask me, ask the know-it-alls! They're the ones who are walking to their doom under these darn mountains."

Gimli bristled. "Pardon me, but these are my kin you are talking about. You'll not be finding death here...you'll be treated to a royal welcome by my cousin Balin!"

Pippin spoke up, "What sort of food do they have here? I haven't eaten properly in ever so long!"

Gimli grinned through his red beard. "Malt beer! Red meat off the bone!"

Merry and Pippin looked excitedly at each other and tried to scramble ahead, but Gandalf pushed them back. "Wait! There is a trick to getting into the mines." He muttered some magic words and the sky cleared to let the moon shine through the clouds. The beams fell directly onto what looked to be a glowing door in the mountainside, set with runes and a message across the top in the Elvish language.

"The Doors of Durin. 'Speak Friend And Enter'," read Gandalf, musingly.

"What does that mean?" asked Merry.

"It's simple," replied Gandalf, rolling his eyes again. "There's a password. If you are a friend, you speak the password and enter." Gandalf tried several Elvish words, pausing dramatically between each, but to no avail. He even tried to push on the doors, but they remained closed tightly. He sat down and scratched his head in wonder.

"What are you going to do, then?" asked Pippin and Donkey in unison.

"Bang both of your heads against the doors and hope that shatters them, you fools! Shut up and let me think!" Gandalf screeched at them. He was beginning to understand why Elrond had a perpetual headache around these infernal creatures.

Meanwhile, Sam was crying as Aragorn untied Bill the Pony and urged him to go home. "Oh stop that, you big baby!" said Aragorn, "He knows the way home."

Sam blubbered, "But – but – Goodbye Bill!"

Bill turned and gave Donkey a last longing glance, then sighed and began the long journey homeward.

Shrek leaned over and whispered to Donkey, "Aw, I'm getting all misty-eyed."

Donkey hit him with a hoof.

Merry and Pippin had been trying to skip stones across the pond, and were doing a good job of it until Aragorn grabbed their arms and yanked them backwards. "Do not disturb the water!" he said in a hushed tone.

"Aw," whined Merry. "You're a spoilsport!"

Boromir, who had been resting on a rock, became alarmed at the tone of Aragorn's voice, and peered out across the water. There were ripples on the surface, but they did not appear to come from the stones the Hobbits had been skipping. They appeared to emanate from the center of the pond. He drew his sword and stood. Aragorn also drew his sword, and motioned for the Hobbits to get behind him. The ripples grew larger.

Suddenly Frodo nudged Shrek and said, "It's a riddle! Speak FRIEND and enter!"

Shrek nodded in wonder. "So it is...Gandalf, say FRIEND in Elvish."

Gandalf scowled. "What do Ogres and Halflings know of these things? Why, I come from the Order of the highest..."

"GANDALF! We cannot wait around for this foolish grumbling!" Aragorn called over his shoulder, as he backed away from the pond with the Hobbits. "MELLON!"

The Doors of Durin began to open outward, and the blackness inside, coupled with the stench of death that greeted them, belied the comforts that Gimli had promised them. Gandalf led the way into the dark cavern, and the others tentatively followed. Aragorn, whose eyes were still on the ever larger movements of the water, backed in, sword still drawn.

Donkey sneezed, "Man, is it ever dusty in here! Reminds me of that time when I..."

"DONKEY!!!" Everyone yelled in unison.

"Sorry!" said Donkey meekly.

Frodo held his nose. "Gosh is it ever foul-smelling in here?"

Pippin replied, "Well, I'd say it is right now, actually."

Frodo shoved his friend. "Pippin! That was a rhetorical question. Do you know what rhetoric is?"

Pippin thought a moment, then answered, "A type of poison that tastes faintly of bitter almonds?"

Donkey laughed heartily at this. "Silly! Everyone knows that poison is called Arsenic!"

Merry chimed in cheerfully, "Wrong again! An Arsenic is someone who likes to start fires!"

"Will you shut up a moment, and let us find out where we are?" Legolas called back. Gandalf's staff suddenly began to glow. "Good Manwe! Look at all this!" As the light began to fill the cavern, everyone gasped at what they saw. There were hundreds of dead bodies, most of them Dwarves.

"No!" cried Gimli, rushing over to try to identify the badly decomposing faces. "No!" He raised his hands to the ceiling dramatically. "Noooooooooooo!"

"Aw," Pippin began, crestfallen, "Does this mean no meat and beer?" He ducked as a skull came flying towards his head.

Legolas tried to yank an arrow out of the skull of one of the Dwarves. It wouldn't budge. He yanked as hard as he could, and this time the skull gave way, sending Legolas and the arrow flying to the ground. The Elf leapt nimbly to his feet and smoothed down his hair, and shouted, "Orcs!" Then he threw the arrow down and drew his bow and one of his own.

Frodo looked down as he drew his sword, and noticed that it was glowing blue. Orcs indeed.

The Fellowship collectively backed toward the door again. "We should never have come here!" cried Boromir. "I say we make for the Gap of Rohan!" No one argued this time, just steadily backed outside. They had forgotten about the creature in the water.

But the creature in the water hadn't forgotten about them; it had been waiting for this opportunity. It snaked out a tentacle and grabbed Shrek by the leg. Shrek lost his footing for a second, then shook off the tentacle. Two more reached for him, and the Ogre found himself getting very angry. Shrek turned and let out a big "ROOOOOAAAAARRRRR!!!!!"

The creature turned white, then scampered back into the water. The surface became as smooth as glass. Everyone turned in shock to stare at Shrek. "What?" he shrugged nonchalantly, and brushed himself off.

Suddenly the water was disturbed again, and everyone grabbed his sword, ax or bow instinctively. But this time, the creature merely hurtled an object at the group, before settling back down under the water. The object was large, with flailing arms and legs, and one heck of a loud voice. "AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!" _Crash! _The creature landed at Shrek's feet.

It was a woman. A beautiful woman, with red hair and freckles, and she was wearing a green and gold dress, which clung to her, since she had been underwater. Everyone stared. The woman snapped her fingers, pointed to her eyes and said loudly, "Guys! Eyes up here!" Then she smoothed her hair down, adjusted her crown, and curtsied. "I am Princess Fiona. Thank you so much for freeing me from the awful monster in the water! I have been held captive in an airtight cell underwater, and I forever am in your debt." She looked around at each member of the Fellowship. "But which one of you is my rescuer?" Everyone rushed forward at once, except Shrek and Donkey, who rolled their eyes at each other.

"Time out!" called Donkey and everyone stopped in his tracks. "Shrek, over here, is your rescuer, Princess."

"Wha-?" began Shrek. "But I..."

Princess Fiona turned to the Ogre. "Milord Shrek, I am forever in your debt, and I pray that you take this favor..." she extended her handkerchief, and stopped. She had noticed that Shrek was an Ogre. "Eek!"

Shrek took the proffered handkerchief, and mopped his brow. "Thanks!" He handed it back to Fiona, who took it gingerly between her thumb and forefinger.

"Oh no!" she moaned and flopped down to sit on a rock. "This is all wrong!"

**A/N: Fiona was the special guest! Sorry if it was anticlimactic...but I didn't intend to put her in the story, actually. LOL. Well, here she is, and now I have to decide whether I want her to stay for the rest of the trip, or try to catch a ride with Bill the Pony. I have the plot for this story figured up, and the last chapters are pretty much written out...it's just the in-betweens I'm working on still. This is where you come in. Reviews and plot ideas are welcome! Flames will be used to make the Balrog's costume look cooler! ;)**


	13. Over the River and Thru the Mines

**Chapter 13: Over the River and Thru the Mines…**

"Oh no!" exclaimed Fiona again, her face buried in her hands. "This can't be right. I'm supposed to be rescued by my true love!"

The others stared at her in disbelief. Frodo spoke up. "You mean…you'd rather have been left down there, with that…monster? Just because you didn't get rescued by your true love?"

The Princess nodded, unhappily, and got to her feet. "Goodbye, everyone. I'm sorry to have nearly gotten you all killed." She turned, and began to wade back into the water.

"Hold it right there!" shouted Boromir, rushing to stop her. He grabbed her arm and spun her around. "What if you were rescued by your true love?"

Fiona looked confused. "But my true love, he has to be…"

"An Ogre?" Boromir asked. Everyone looked at him, shocked to hear him saying anything in the Ogre's favor, after the way he had tried to have Shrek killed back in Imladris. Boromir looked around, uneasily. "What? It could happen!"

Donkey stepped forward and cocked his head to the side, thinking. "Wait a minute, you think Shrek is her true love?" Boromir nodded, and Donkey dissolved into giggles. Soon the whole Fellowship was rolling on the rocks, laughing themselves to tears. Even Fiona was mirthfully gasping for breath.

Only Shrek remained aloof, and studied the entrance to the mines of Moria carefully. He took a last look at the foolishness behind him, and made up his mind. He strode through the Doors of Durin, and was soon lost in the black depths of the cavern.

Gandalf sobered up quickly. "Wait, Shrek! Don't go in there! We'll take the road to Osgiliath, in spite of Saruman and Farquad, and we won't have to go down through Moria!" There was no answer.

Fiona rolled her eyes, wiping tears of laughter from her face. "Just leave the big lug. He was starting to freak me out a little, anyway."

Boromir looked panicky again. "But the Ogre has the Ring! He cannot be allowed to simply wander off, unchecked. He will surely take the Ring for himself!"

The Princess looked confused, and Aragorn spoke up, "There is nothing. Boromir is merely very tired and stressed from the long road we have already traveled. I think the spell of these mountains is playing with his mind a little." To Boromir, he mouthed, "SHUT UP!"

Boromir understood; the Princess could be working for the Dark Lord, and maybe she couldn't be trusted. He clamped his mouth shut and turned towards the doors as well; he disappeared into the darkness where Shrek had vanished. The rest of the Company followed suit, and soon they were all inside the caverns except for Fiona. She looked around for a few minutes, and presently, the water on the surface of the pond started to ripple again. She didn't wait around to find out why; she scampered into the dark door in the mountainside.

And nearly knocked someone down.

"Watch it, lady!" came a gruff voice. Shrek had stopped just shy of the door, on the inside of the mine, where there was no light. He had sat down and listened to what the others were saying about him. He decided that Boromir needed to be bumped off first; he disliked Men, rightly enough, but untrusting and suspicious Men were downright loathsome.

Gandalf was now the farthest member to the inside of the mine, so he sighed and decided it was up to him to lead the way. He was the only one who could probably navigate the mines without getting anyone killed. The Wizard placed his hand over the crystal on the top of his staff and it began to glow, illuminating the surrounding area, just enough for them to see where they were going. "Come, we have but little choice now. We must face the long dark of Moria."

Everyone filed into place, Shrek near the front with Gandalf, and the Princess complaining to Aragorn that her feet were not made for this kind of excursion.

"I'm a Princess! Princesses shouldn't have to walk! Why can't I ride him?" She pointed to Donkey.

Donkey turned around. "Because I don't carry passengers."

"You can't talk to me like…" Fiona began in an offended tone, but Aragorn clapped his hand over her mouth.

"I'm a future King. Shut it." He said with finality. Fiona shut it and walked meekly for a time.

This time, Legolas had the misfortune of being paired with Donkey. The four-legged animal had trouble navigating the slippery rock edges, and nearly fell in a time or two. All the while, he was complaining of the dampness ("I could catch pneumonia and die"), the darkness ("I could fall off a cliff and die"), and the smell ("I could suffocate in here and die"). Legolas clenched his teeth and fought to keep himself from fulfilling the ends of those thoughts.

Gandalf paused at the edge of a particularly deep chasm and shone his light down over the edge. "The wealth of the Dwarves was not in gold or jewels…but _mithril_!" The light bounced over the edges of the walls of the chasm, and shone back silvery and shiny. The group clustered to the edge to look over, and Donkey nearly fell in again.

"Aaaaah! Shrek! Help me!" Donkey screamed.

Legolas caught the animal by the tail and dragged him back up. "Shut up!" He clamped his hands over Donkey's mouth. "You are going to be the death of us all!"

Donkey looked chastened at last, and actually closed his mouth and kept walking. Surprised, Legolas strode ahead as well, and gave the animal a pat on the head as thanks.

Gandalf led them on for a very long time, and nobody spoke, lest they invoke the wrath of the Elf. Finally, the passage wound upward, and divided off into three separate passages.

Gandalf stood before the three doors, a puzzled expression contorting his face in the low light. Shrek noticed the pause and prompted him, "Gandalf? Which way is it from here?"

Gandalf shrugged in confusion and sat on a nearby rock. "I have no memory of this place." He called back to the others, "Rest!" The others gladly plopped down, their feet swollen and tired.

Donkey was trying to find a comfortable spot on a particularly sharp piece of rock, when a sudden movement caught his attention. He turned, startled, to see a small figure darting about on the other side of the chasm they had just crossed. Donkey sprang to his feet and rushed up to Shrek and Gandalf.

"There's something out there! Something's following us. I told you already I didn't like this, and now there's something after us and we're all gonna die, and…"

"DONKEY!" snapped Gandalf. "Knock it off, it's merely the creature Gollum."

"Who?" asked Shrek

"Gollum is drawn by the Ring," Gandalf explained. "At one time, he owned the Ring, before Bilbo, Frodo's uncle, found it in Gollum's cave."

Shrek looked confused again. "I thought it was made by the Dark Lord."

Gandalf rolled his eyes, exasperated. "It was, but then…(sigh)…it's a long story, but trust me, Gollum got hold of it, and now he wants it back."

"What would happen if he did get it back?" Donkey put in.

"The end of Middle Earth as we know it," replied Gandalf, shaking his head. "He would most likely be killed and the Ring would return to its master."

Shrek looked down at the Ring on its chain. It was so…so pretty. "Yesssss," he hissed unconsciously.

Donkey and Gandalf both looked at him in surprise. "What did you say?"

Shrek looked at them, the spell broken for the moment, "Nothing! I was just looking at it."

The other two exchanged a look of understanding, and said no more. Shrek sighed and rolled his eyes. Gandalf suddenly sniffed the air. "Ah! It's this way!"

"He's remembered!" came Pippin's cry from below, followed by a chorus of "Shhhhh!" from the rest of the party.

"No," replied Gandalf, "the air doesn't smell nearly so foul down this way."

Everyone looked at Shrek.

"What?" asked the Ogre, blushing.

**A/N: This was a long chapter! Yay! Still with me?**


	14. Another Fine Mess

**A/N:** Thanks for the suggestions! I'm always open to advice, and I'm glad there are peeps out there who eagerly wait for the updates to this story with antici……pation. (free brownies to whoever knows that reference ) I'm trying to update it as fast as I can…I'm also tossing around ideas for the other stories I have going. PLUS there are more that I haven't even posted yet. LOL. For those of you wondering about Puss N. Boots, he's going to be in here, just not yet. Regarding Robin Hood and his Merry Men, they will either be in the next chappie or the one following. Very soon now. Thanks SO much for reviewing! I'm trying to get around and review everyone's stories too; there are a LOT of fantastic writers around here. (Wish I was one of 'em lol) Enough rambling…on to the story!)

**ONE SHREK TO BRING THEM ALL**

**Chapter 14: Another Fine Mess**

The Fellowship followed Gandalf down the long, dark and musty corridor he had chosen. Shrek sometimes felt they were going in circles, but he didn't dare bring this up to Gandalf. He didn't want to tick off the already short-tempered Wizard any further.

Presently, they felt a change in the air; it became much chillier, and less musty. Gandalf touched the crystal at the end of his staff and the group saw that they had come out of the passage into an enormous room. There were columns upon columns, for as far as the eye could see, all carved with Dwarven skill from the stone of the Mountain they were inside.

Donkey craned his neck until it hurt, and all he could see were more columns. He tried to turn back and look straight ahead, but found his neck was stuck. "Um, Shrek? A little help, please?"

The Ogre looked at him and rolled his eyes, then grabbed Donkey's head and pushed it hard back into place. CRUNCH!

Boromir, who had watched the scene with curiosity, looked a little sick.

Donkey shook his head and smiled. "Thanks!"

Gandalf looked at them fiercely. "Quiet!" He then turned to the others. "This is the Dwarven city of Dwarrowdelf." Everyone else properly murmured their appreciation for the wonder and craftsmanship of the Dwarves. Even Legolas thought to himself (but not aloud, for Gimli would have NEVER let him hear the end of it) that perhaps there was something to be said for the diminutive race after all.

Gimli, meanwhile, appeared to be searching for something. He approached column after column, cautiously, and every time, shook his axe in annoyance. Finally, he found a small door, and ran toward it, his pack bobbing up and down on his back.

"Gimli!" called Gandalf sharply, but the Dwarf was already inside the room. The Wizard threw up his hands in surrender. "Fine! Why don't we all just go in separate directions? I guess we all want to die!" He strode after Gimli, planning to lecture him soundly, and maybe box his ears a little, but stopped short when he saw what the smaller being was doing.

Gimli had found what appeared to be a coffin, carved of white stone, with runes chiseled into the top slab. The Dwarf was kneeling at the foot of the coffin, weeping loudly.

"Here lies Balin, son of Fundin. Lord of Moria," Gandalf translated for the rest of the group, who had followed, hoping to see a good fight, no doubt. "So, he is dead then."

This only made Gimli sob that much louder. Legolas looked at him with a mixture of sympathy and wonder. The Elf, being immortal, was not used to death, and did not know how to react to Gimli's sorrow. He placed a hand on the Dwarf's shoulder in condolence. The Dwarf stood and grabbed Legolas about the knees and began to cry even louder. The Elf rolled his eyes in annoyance and attempted to pry Gimli off of his legs, but to no avail. Legolas sighed and gave up, leaning against a stone column.

Meanwhile, Gandalf had spied a very old, very dusty book clutched by one of the Dwarf skeletons. The Wizard handed his hat and staff to Pippin, and turned back to the book. He pried it loose, blew the dust off the cover and opened it up. He read silently for a moment or two, then had the strangest feeling of being watched. Gandalf looked up to find the rest of the group staring at him expectantly. "What?"

Gimli spoke up, "Is not there some record of what happened to my kin?" He sniffled loudly into Legolas' trousers. Legolas groaned in disgust.

Gandalf sighed heavily, as though reading aloud was the greatest drain of his energy, and turned a couple of pages. "Ah, let's see if this is what we need." He read:

"I know not what to do about this strange obsession of mine. How can it be that I, Mazarbul, can have fallen in love with Balin? The great Lord of Moria? I cannot think of anything else but the way he-"

"ENOUGH!!!" Gimli was red with rage. "You know that's not what I meant! I meant for you to find out how they all DIED!"

The rest of the Company nodded and murmured their agreement, looks of shock and amusement (on the part of Legolas) on their faces.

Donkey, meanwhile, was sniffing under Pippin's cloak. "Hey!" Sniff, sniff. "I smell something to eat under there." Sniff, sniff. "I'm starving! Give me a bite!"

"No," whispered Pippin, still clutching Gandalf's belongings. "I'm saving it, and if you don't be quiet, Gandalf will have our heads!"

Unaware of this conversation, Gandalf flipped forward until he found the last page that had been written on. "We have barred the gates. We cannot hold them for long."

Gimli began to sob again, loudly, into Legolas' knees.

"Do you want to hear the rest of this or not?" Gandalf asked crankily.

Gimli nodded and fell silent.

Gandalf continued: "Cannot get out. They have taken the Bridge and Second Hall. Drums. Drums in the deep. They are coming." There, the writing seemed to veer off sharply, as though the one who wrote it had been fatally interrupted. Gandalf turned back to face the rest of the group. "We cannot linger-"

CRASH!!! KER-PLUNK!!! BANG!!! BAM!!! CRASH!!!

Gandalf and the others turned sharply in the direction of Pippin and Donkey. Donkey had his teeth sunken into Pippin's overcoat pocket. Pippin, in an effort to get away from the hungry animal, had begun to back up. Finally, he could go no further, and had his back to a well of some sort. There was a Dwarf skeleton, in full armor, perched on the edge of the well, and wrapped up in the chain from an old, rusty bucket. Donkey had Pippin backed up against the skeleton, and its head had fallen off, into the well. Its body soon followed, and after that, the rusty bucket.

As the horrified Fellowship looked on, the banging and clattering continued far down into the heart of the mines, ending with a final loud crash as the skeleton hit bottom. Pippin looked as though he might kill Donkey.

But that was nothing compared to the expression on Gandalf's face.

The Grey Wizard was literally hopping mad. He hopped up and down and yelled at Donkey and Pippin, and threatened to throw them both in the well himself. His face was as red as a beet as he lunged forward, and there were little veins popping out on his temples. He might have looked funny if the Company had not been afraid for their lives in a dark, deep mine.

Frodo whispered to Sam, "Are you sure you have no more of thataspirin?"

Aragorn came and put his hands on Gandalf's arms, to try and calm him down, but the Wizard merely pulled away and kept advancing on the two perpetrators. Shrek took a turn at it, and grabbed the Wizard around the waist, lifting him high over his head. Gandalf shrieked to be set free, to do justice to the Hobbit and Donkey, but just then Legolas clapped his hands over the Wizard's mouth.

"Hush! Listen!"

Gandalf hushed and they all listened. BOM BOM BOM BOM-BA-BOM!

"The drums!" shrieked Sam, and threw himself into Frodo's arms, knocking the slighter Hobbit to the ground. In the clatter, Frodo's sword, Sting, fell out of its hilt. It was glowing blue.

"Orcs!" stated Legolas, rather obviously.

Boromir had run to the door to see what was coming, and as he looked down the corridor, an arrow flew through the air and stuck in the door, right under his nose. He yelped and scooted back inside, shutting the door. "They have a Cave Troll," he announced to the group, as he and Aragorn barred the door with weapons tossed to them by Legolas.

On the other side of the door, there was scrambling and muttering, and the Fellowship heard, "They have an Ogre!" followed by Orc-ish groans of annoyance.

Shrek grinned and prepared for the fight.

**A/N: Review time!!! :)**


	15. Saruman Gets Sacked

**A/N: Thanks to all the really nice reviewers! A few I'd like to respond to, and then the 15th chapter of the story will begin. **

**Misty Glow: **Thanks for reviewing me! Your story about Gilraen is awesome, and I hope you get to update soon!

**Lady Emmi:** Thanks for the constructive criticism. I'm always glad to get it, and I'm not being sarcastic, LOL. Sorry, I know that the story has been too canon-ish in these past chapters. It gets better, I promise. I wanted Shrek to experience the things the Fellowship did; that was the whole point of writing this. I'll get rid of the movie script…except for the parts the story can't live without. This chappie is far from canon, as you'll see. Please stay with me, I would like to keep hearing your opinions!

**p0pptartt:** I'm trying to keep Fiona from getting on everyone's last nerve. She got on my nerves in the first Shrek movie, with all the griping and complaining (that's why Donkey's so much quieter too if you didn't notice. ) so I'm making her a little lower key in this story. She'll have a "moment" though, when they encounter Robin Hood and his Merry Men in a future chappie. Keep reading!

**Electric Fire:** Glad to see you're still keeping up with me, LOL. That's a good idea about "War of the Accents". You'll just have to wait and see what happens!

**hotdogfish:** Puss is on his way! Stay tuned to future chappies, his entrance is the best one yet.

Chapter Fifteen: Saruman Gets Sacked 

Meanwhile, back at Orthanc, Saruman was very unhappy. It seemed that his "college buddies" had taken over the evil-doing, and had left him out in the cold.

Literally. At this very moment, Saruman the White was mopping the top of his tower in the freezing cold wind. His tower, and he was the one cleaning up. What was wrong with this picture? Let's backtrack a bit.

After Saruman had bombarded our heroes on the mountainside with ice, high winds and avalanches, he had been very pleased with himself and had decided to call it a day. He yawned and scratched as he padded back down the stairs to the bottom level of his tower. By the time he entered the room where the palantir rested on its obsidian pedestal, his eyes were all but closed. The sight that greeted him was enough to shock him awake.

"How's it going, Sar?" laughed Farquad. He was sitting sideways on Saruman's high-backed, black throne, his short legs dangling over the right armrest. In his hand was a long pipe, with smoke rising and curling from the larger end. "Look what we found!"

"Yeah…" came a voice from the Palantir. Sauron's fiery eye was half closed and appeared to be a bit bloodshot (hard to tell with all the flames). Grima was leaning on the palantir, also holding a long, smoking pipe, and was grinning like an idiot.

Saruman's jaw dropped to the floor. "What are you all doing?"

Farquad took a long drag on his pipe, and giggled again. "Your man-servant was very kind to show us where the Southfarthing pipe-weed was kept."

"Indeed." Saruman turned to Grima, hands clenched in fists at his sides. "Grima? What have you to say for yourself?"

Grima exploded into laughter, and held the pipe up to the palantir. Saruman watched, traumatized, as Sauron's eye seemed to engulf the tiny end of the pipe, with an odd sucking sound. Then Sauron burst into giggles himself, and smoke rose from the palantir, as though it had been exhaled.

"Grima Wormtongue! Stop that right this instant!" Saruman stamped his foot.

The other three laughed until their sides (and corneas) hurt. Farquad composed himself first. "Your little friend here is not as stupid as you think him."

Grima turned to Saruman, a mock-angry look on his face. "Stupid? You told them I was stupid?" Then, unable to keep his expression straight, he giggled again, and set off the other two a second time. "Mellow out, man…take a hit of this." He proffered the pipe to his master.

Saruman wanted to, oh how he wanted to smoke some of his favorite pipe-weed, but something told him he had to stand his ground. He had to remain the master of the situation. "Certainly not!" he said with some difficulty. "I have no wish to lose my faculties with this insane smoking."

Farquad stood, shakily, "Grima, do you think we need to teach this old bat a lesson?"

"Old bat?" Saruman fumed. "Now listen here, you…"

"SILENCE!" thundered Sauron from the palantir. His eye appeared to be concentrating really hard on the Wizard's staff. Suddenly, the staff was ripped from Saruman's grasp, and flew towards the palantir, where it smacked Sauron right in the eye. "Ouch!"

Saruman looked cowed. Grima nodded eagerly. "That'd be fun! He's so mean to me!"

"Indeed." Farquad imitated Saruman, and sent the other two into fits of giggles. "Saruman, the five of us-"

"Three of us," corrected Grima.

"That's what I said, the three of us," Farquad laughed, "are taking over Orthanc. You are hereby downgraded to…" Farquad paused for effect. "Maid."

"WHAT?!" Saruman exploded with anger. "You can't do this to me! I own this tower, and I worked hard to make it the den of evil that it is! Do you have any IDEA how hard obsidian is to come by? In such large amounts too."

"Oh," replied Sauron's eye, "I'm sure you can find plenty of igneous rock…in MOUNT DOOM!"

"You wouldn't dare!" sneered the Wizard.

"Oh, wouldn't we?" Farquad challenged back. He approached the Wizard slowly. "You always cheated off my tests in school, and made fun of my height in gym class! So now I'm going to pay you back!" He whistled to Grima. "Quick! The mop and bucket!"

"What?" asked Saruman, weakly.

Grima appeared from a nearby closet marked "Janitor" in Elvish runes, holding a mop in one hand and a galvanized bucket in the other. He shoved them at Saruman, who knew he had no choice but to take them.

"Now," said Farquad, taking another drag from his over-sized pipe. "Go clean up something."

"Why don't you start with the top of this tower, where you were keeping that Grey Wizard captive?" suggested Sauron. "It still stinks of wholesome goodness."

Saruman the White decided then and there, that the next time there was a little voice telling him to do something, he was going to kill it. He muttered so under his breath as he climbed the long, winding stairway back to the top of the tower. Behind him, he heard Farquad say to the other two:

"Is anyone else starving? I've suddenly got the munchies…"

**A/N: Better? R/R! :)**


	16. ButWhy are the Orcs Gone?

**A/N: Thanks for being faithful to review! This may be a long story, lol. Does anyone know how many chapters you can have on ? I'll try not to do the whole movie of LotR…but like I said, it is funny to place Shrek & Co in the same situations the others faced. I may do a few spin-offs…like, leave out parts, and do whole stories on them later, one-shots maybe. Let me know! For now, read and enjoy! **

**ONE SHREK TO BRING THEM ALL**

**Chapter 16: But...Why are the Orcs Gone?**

Back in Moria, everyone was waiting tensely, swords drawn and arrows cocked and ready. All except Princess Fiona and Donkey, who were unarmed. Donkey turned pale and ran to hide behind Shrek.

Fiona bravely stood her ground.

Aragorn looked around, and noticed the Princess standing near him, ready to fight. "Pardon me, your Highness," he began with a puzzled look. "You might want to take cover. This could be a deadly battle."

Fiona fumed. "Whom do you think you are addressing, Ranger?"

Legolas piped up. "He is no mere Ranger –"

"Legolas, now is not the time!" Aragorn looked daggers at the Elf, who gulped and fell silent. He turned back to Fiona. "I will protect you, fair Princess!"

The other males looked at each other, and as one, rushed to Fiona's side.

"No, I'll help her!"

"You?! I can protect her better than you can!"

"Not by the hair on your footy-foot-foot! She's mine!"

While all this commotion was going on, the Orcs had taken down the door and had begun to sneak up on our heroes. This was easy to do, since now they were all clustered into a group around Fiona. The Orc leader silently motioned, "One…two…three…" They all lifted their weapons to strike…and…

"HEEEEEEEEEEYAH!" Fiona had crawled out of the group of heroic guys, without them even noticing, and had karate-chopped several of the orcs at once. They fell to the ground.

The other Orcs, and the band of heroes, all stood still with their mouths wide open in shock. Fiona paused. "Who's next?"

Two more Orcs looked at each other and grinned evilly. They began to advance on the Princess, who kicked both of them squarely in the chest with a roundhouse kick. More Orcs came at her, and again, she laid them all out.

The Fellowship just stood there gaping at the scene. Aragorn dropped his sword with a CLANG! Legolas accidentally let fly his arrow, and it flew out of control, bouncing off of the walls.

Orc after Orc came into the fight with the Princess, who punched, kicked, head-butted, and slapped with her long red braid, until they were all lying in a circle at her feet, unconscious.

Fiona stopped, breathing heavily, and smoothed her hair down. She turned to address the Fellowship. "Shall we?" She began to walk out the door, in the direction they had entered.

Shrek was the first to recover his voice. "Hold the phone!"

"What's a phone?" Pippin whispered to Merry.

"It's obviously a weapon, Pippin," Merry replied with authority.

Sam looked confused. "I thought it was a modern device used to transmit sounds over long distances, used for communication."

Merry rolled his eyes. "Samwise, don't be an idiot. That's an e-mail."

"Ohhh," chorused Frodo, Sam and Pippin, thoughtfully.

Meanwhile, Shrek had caught up with Fiona. "How did you do that?" He asked her, befuddled.

Fiona rolled her eyes. "Well, when one is traveling with ten useless men, apparently it's good to know these things, in case there's….there's an arrow in your butt!"

Shrek looked confused. He glanced around her slight frame, to see what she meant. "There's no arrow in your butt. What are you talking about?"

Fiona sighed and pointed. "NO! There's an arrow in YOUR butt!"

Shrek did indeed have Legolas' arrow protruding from his nether region. "Well, would you look at that?" He glared at the Elf, who gulped again and made himself suddenly busy with something over by Balin's tomb.

"Well," said Gandalf, coming forward. "It has to come out." The Wizard did not look at all happy with the prospect of pulling something out of the Ogre's butt. Neither did anyone else, and they all stayed put. The Wizard glowered at them all. "Well, don't everyone help him at once!" The party reluctantly came forward.

Sam took one look. "Blood…is that blood? I think I'm gonna…" and fainted dead away.

Donkey rolled his eyes. "Hmmph! Some people can't stand the sight of a little….blood?" He paled as well, and fainted.

"Anyone else want to pass out, before we get on with things?" Gandalf asked grouchily. Legolas raised his hand. Gandalf nodded to him, and the Elf's eyes rolled back into his head, and he fell over onto the tomb of the Lord of Moria. Gimli made a motion as if to behead the Elf for defiling the grave of his ancestor, but changed his mind, and instead kicked him off of it with a grunt.

"How about you, Cuddy Wuddly Fluff?" Gandalf growled at Aragorn. The future King of Men looked a little pale, but shook his head and mouthed, "I'm fine."

"All right," continued the Wizard, "if all the pansies are out of the way, then let's get to work on removing this arrow from Shrek's…um…rear."

"Oy gevalt," muttered Shrek, but stood still and humored the Grey Wizard. He had seemed very cranky of late.

Gandalf rolled up his sleeves and muttered a spell over the arrow, then stood back to see what happened. The arrow twitched, and Shrek yelped, then it was still again. "Hmm," mused Gandalf. "I wonder why that didn't work. That was my all-purpose 'Remove Arrow From Bum' spell."

"Maybe the magic doesn't work on Ogres!" Pippin threw in.

Gandalf glared at the Halfling. "Peregrin Took! If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you!" Pippin fell silent. The Wizard thought a moment. "Hey…I have it! Maybe the magic doesn't work on Ogres!"

Pippin clapped with glee. "Oh, great idea, Gandalf! How do you come up with these things?"

Gandalf preened his beard with pride. "I'm very wise, young Peregrin." He turned back to Shrek. "I guess we'll just have to pull it out." Gandalf advanced on the Ogre, who dodged.

"Oh no, you don't!" Shrek yelled.

"But it has to come out!" replied Gandalf. "Now hold still!"

"No!"

The Wizard chased the Ogre all around the room, hopping over the dead Orcs and dodging the passed out party members. The rest of the Fellowship cheered them on, some chanting for Gandalf, and others for Shrek. Finally, Gandalf backed Shrek into the corner by the door. He advanced slowly. Shrek looked scared, and held his hands over his butt to protect himself. Suddenly…

YANK! "OW!!!"

Everyone turned to look at who had pulled the arrow from Shrek's derriere. Then most of them screamed.

They had forgotten about the Cave Troll.

**To be continued!!**


	17. Donkey Barbecue

**A/N: Wow! Almost 100 reviews! I feel special. :-D I apologize for the long wait for an update. Thanks for sticking it out with me, and I'm trying to keep it interesting and funny. I love you guys! **

**Chapter 17: Donkey Barbecue**

The Cave Troll stood there for a second or two, looking at the arrow in its hand as though it had never before seen the like of it. Then it tossed the arrow aside and grabbed Shrek by the shoulders, as if to throw him as well.

Shrek, however, was very solidly built, and stood his ground. He grabbed the Troll and threw him over his shoulder, slamming it into the white tomb of Balin. The tomb splintered and a scream filled the air.

Gimli lost himself for a moment, and started beating on both Shrek and the Troll, until Shrek finally conked him on the head with a piece of the tomb. The blow to the head didn't knock him out, but did however, make him aware of the enormity of the two creatures he was attempting to fight. "Um…hi, nice day for a fight, eh?" He backed away, whistling.

The commotion awakened the passed-out party members, who rushed to gather with the others, away from the battle scene. "They're fighting!" shouted Legolas.

"Thank you, Captain Obvious!" muttered Gandalf, smacking the Elf upside the head.

"Hey! Watch the hair!" Legolas smoothed his hair down and stuck his tongue out at the grouchy Wizard.

Shrek had unsheathed his sword again, and grabbed the weapon of a fallen Orc as well. With two swords, he was still barely able to fend off the Cave Troll, who was using a chain to try to beat Shrek into submission. The Ogre rolled and dodged, and the Troll's chain soon made a mess of the stone artwork in the room. Gimli shook his head sadly, thinking of how his ancestors' masterpieces wouldn't be seen by anyone ever again.

Meanwhile, Pippin emerged from a dark corner of the room. "Hey! Anyone want some popcorn?" The other Hobbits gathered eagerly around him.

"Where did you find that?" Boromir asked, looking a little sick.

"Over behind the well," came Pippin's prompt answer, around a mouthful of popcorn.

"Um…isn't it rather…" began Fiona, also looking green.

"…Old?" finished a nauseous Legolas.

"It tastes pretty good to me," Sam replied and the other three Hobbits nodded their agreement. The others decided to leave them alone; it probably wasn't worth arguing over, and besides, they were missing a good fight between an Ogre and a Cave Troll. That wasn't something you saw every day.

The Cave Troll had finally backed Shrek into a corner, and was beating the area all around him with the chain. Columns and big chunks of rock were tumbling all around the Ogre, and he found himself having to dodge them as well as the chain. He was sweating profusely, and he finally caught sight of the others, just standing around watching. "You guys? A little help?" He rolled his eyes and pointed to the Troll

Legolas jumped onto the Cave Troll's head and shot two arrows straight down into its skull. The Troll staggered and growled, and Legolas jumped back down. While its mouth was still open, Legolas fired another arrow, which went through the roof of the Troll's mouth and into its brain. The Troll fell and twitched, then was still.

Shrek glared at Legolas. "That was all it took?! Why didn't you do that in the first place?"

The Elf shrugged and smoothed his hair again. "You didn't ask."

Shrek threw his hands up. "I didn't think I had to! Oy. Let's get out of here."

Gandalf led them all out of the room, and into the great hall again. They appeared to be headed for a door at the end of the hall, and through it, Shrek could see flames. "Is that room on fire?" he asked the Wizard.

"No," replied Gandalf. "It's probably just the Balrog." He stopped, and then smacked himself on the head. "The Balrog!"

Pippin whispered, "Merry, what's a Balrog?"

Merry replied, "It's a green thing that hops around and eats flies."

Sam put in, "I heard once that you can get warts from them."

"Oh."

Gandalf appeared to be confused as to what to do. Shrek prompted him, "So…now what?" The Ogre ducked as the Wizard's staff came flying at his head.

"I don't know!" screeched Gandalf. "We must go through that door and down the stairs, to the bridge."

"Oh," said Boromir, sarcastically. "That sounds great." He screamed back at the Wizard, "Have you lost your mind?! Do you not remember what an important quest we're on?"

Fiona spoke up, "You guys are on a quest? What kind of a quest?"

Shrek started to answer, but Aragorn clapped a hand over his mouth. "We're, um, going to try to get his swamp cleared out. There are a bunch of dead people in it, and he, um, he doesn't like it that way."

Shrek removed Aragorn from his vicinity rather forcefully. "I was going to say that, thank you very much." Shrek had picked up on the fact that Aragorn hadn't wanted Fiona to know of the Ring of Power, back on the other side of the mountains. He winked at the Man, and Aragorn looked relieved.

"So…why are we in a mountain? There are no swamps around here for miles." Fiona continued, suspiciously.

Shrek scratched his head, "Um…well…er…I…"

The Princess tapped her foot, arms crossed, and waited for her answer.

Donkey, meanwhile, had gone to investigate the room with fire in it. "I guess I'm going all by myself," he was saying, to keep himself from being afraid. "Gotta find those stairs. Yeah, I'll find some stairs, and kick their butts! Kicked down! Kicked to the curb! Those stairs ain't gonna know which way they're goin'." The animal nervously poked his head around the door, and indeed saw a winding staircase, next to a deep, dark pit, lit only by the flames licking up from below. There was a narrow stone bridge, with a sign next to it that read "Khazad-Dum."

"Hey!" shouted Donkey, ending the fight between Boromir and the Wizard, and stopping Fiona's curious questions. Everyone turned to look. "There's a bridge called 'Khazad-Dum' out here. Is this where we need to go?"

Everyone turned to Gandalf, who appeared only temporarily flustered. "Oh, um, well, of course. I mean, that's what I was trying to say." He glared at Boromir. "This way," he continued, huffily. Everyone marched along after him, trying to be silent, lest they encounter a staff blow to the head or worse.

They had nearly reached the bridge, when there came a great roar behind them. Everyone stopped in his tracks. "Balrog!" yelled Legolas, rather obviously. They took off for the bridge at top-speed. Most of the party got across, and by the time the Balrog had reached the bridge, all were on the other side except Gandalf and Donkey. The Wizard suddenly stopped in his tracks, and whirled around to face the monster. Donkey barreled into the Wizard, almost knocking them both off the bridge.

"Fool of a Donkey!" Gandalf waved his staff angrily. "Next time throw yourself off this bridge."

Donkey prepared to answer, but before he could get a word out, the Balrog had grabbed him by the tail and lifted him into the air. "Help! Balrog!"

Everyone watched in stunned silence, except for Gandalf, who beat a hasty retreat across the bridge while the fiery monster was occupied with Donkey. Shrek bonked the Wizard in the head. "Watch it! That's my good hat!" grumbled Gandalf.

"That's my friend! Go back and get him!" Shrek yelled at the Wizard, pointing back to the bridge.

Gandalf stubbornly shook his head. "This is war! Casualties are inevitable! We have a quest to finish, we must press on!"

Fiona jumped in. "No swamp should be important enough to feed a friend to a Balrog! I'll go myself." No one argued with her, for they were remembering the Orcs back in the room with Balin's tomb. She was probably capable of defending herself.

However, Shrek wouldn't have it. He felt responsible for the animal, and in a weird way, he was sort of fond of Donkey…not that he would have said anything like that to Donkey's face, mind you. The Balrog moved with Donkey into a room just to the side of the staircase. Shrek sighed. "I'm going back. I'm not leaving him to die."

Boromir spoke up. "Ogre…um…" He cleared his throat. "Are there any, well, pieces of jewelry you would like me to hold for you? Just until you get back, I mean."

Shrek glared at Boromir, understanding the Man's intent. "No. This won't take long."

Boromir looked angry for a second, then spotted Fiona watching him with interest, and reddened. "So be it. Please hurry, Ogre."

A/N: I'm sorry this took so long, and I hope to update again in the next couple of days; the next chappie is already written, ready for spell-check. Thanks for the reviews!


	18. A Night to Remember

**ONE SHREK TO BRING THEM ALL**

**Chapter 18: "A Night to Remember"**

"Shrek, no!" Princess Fiona shouted into the darkness of Khazad-Dum, her voice bouncing off of the stone structures. "Strider, where is he going? We have to stop him!"

Aragorn shrugged as he held back the Princess from running after the Ogre. "He has to save his ass."

Fiona stopped struggling and stared at him. "What kind of an Ogre is he?"

"One of a kind."

She pondered that for a moment until she realized that Aragorn's arms were still around her. She shoved him off of her. "Hello? Arwen?" she snapped, making the man's face redden.

Shrek, armed with his sword, picked his way through the goblin corpses as he followed in the direction Donkey and the Balrog had disappeared. A few goblins, still very much alive, shot arrows at him as he passed, but he managed to dodge them as he stuck to the task of finding his friend. Soon he came to a fork in the caves, which divided the stone pathway into two doorways.

It wasn't hard to figure out which one of these doors led to the Balrog's grotto. Shrek could probably have heard Donkey chattering from outside the mountain, he guessed. It seemed that the Balrog had amorous intentions on the small animal, from the nature of Donkey's yelps. The Ogre paused in the doorway, out of the Balrog's line of sight, to form a plan of action.

"Hey! What are you going to do with that? That's my tail, my personal tail. Aw, you're gonna rip it off!" Donkey sounded panicked as he tried to back away from the monster.

The Balrog merely made a loving whimper and breathed a smoke ring in the shape of a heart around her object of affection.

Donkey coughed. "I don't know if this is gonna work out. I'm an asthmatic, and if you're gonna be blowing smoke rings and all…" The animal caught sight of his friend in the doorway. "SHREK! SHREK! HELP!"

Shrek had intended to sneak up on the Balrog and take it by surprise with his sword, but Donkey had blown his cover. The Balrog turned suddenly, and its eyes narrowed as it spotted the interruption at the door. Angry at having its plans disrupted, it breathed a flash of fire at the Ogre, who dodged it by a mere inch.

He sheathed the sword he had brought with him, knowing that he could never use it against this creature. The Balrog would have him aflame before he could strike the first hit. Shrek glanced around quickly, and spotted the body of a goblin on the ground, just outside the door. He grabbed its weapons, a bow and arrows, and readied his shot.

"YAY SHREK! GO SHREK! TAKE IT DOWN!"

His first shot went wild, as the shouted words startled him. "Donkey!" Shrek yelled at the animal, who was cheering for him from the corner. "I'm never gonna make a shot if you keep screaming at me! I need to concentrate."

Donkey looked sheepish, and whispered, "Go Shrek. Yay."

Shrek rolled his eyes and shook his head, and got set to let another arrow fly. He had never been exposed to archery in his life, so it was a fifty-fifty chance that the arrow would even land near the Balrog. He aimed and fired, his arrow hitting the creature in the leg.

The Balrog screamed in pain, as flames shot up from the area around the arrow, and turned around, bending down to try to pull the arrow out.

Shrek took advantage of this situation to pull Donkey from the room quietly and run back to the bridge. They were almost across when the Balrog emerged from the room, even more fiery and angry than before. It screamed unhappily as its prey fled to the other side of Khazad-Dum. The others were waiting for them on the far end of the bridge, and grabbed Donkey and Shrek and pulled them to safety.

The Balrog was close behind, however, and Gandalf finally decided to be brave. He stood in the center of the bridge and muttered a few words as his staff glowed. The others watched as nothing happened at all. Gandalf looked very surprised. "That was my all-purpose 'Fling-Balrog-From-Bridge-Over-Flames' spell! What the - "

Suddenly the Balrog did begin to fall, as though an invisible pair of hands had shoved it off-balance. It screamed in mixed anger and terror, as it flailed its arms and legs, desperate to grab hold of something and break its fall.

Unfortunately, it grabbed Gandalf, who was too busy congratulating himself (because one of his spells had finally worked on this journey!) to notice the giant fiery claw heading in his direction.

The Wizard had a look on his face that could only be described as utter annoyance mixed with intense anger. "What a perfect ending to the perfect day!" He spotted the rest of the group looking at him, their mouths agape in horror. "What are you looking at? Unless Sam can toss me some aspirin, you'd better fly, you fools!" And then he was gone.

"Noooooooooooooo!" cried Frodo, as he was shepherded away by Boromir. Sam gave the man a dirty look and followed them outside.

The Fellowship ran out of the mines, and stopped about a mile from the base of the mountain, panting and wheezing. Except for Legolas, who wasn't even winded, of course. The Hobbits fell to the ground, sobbing for their friend, Sam trying to comfort Frodo. The Men and Fiona stood and looked nervously around, probably searching for signs of goblins that might have followed them out of the mountains. Gimli sat and washed the dried black blood from his axe in a nearby stream. Legolas looked at the mourning members of the group with sympathy, mostly because he had no idea how to deal with them without them clinging to him and weeping.

Shrek and Donkey leaned against a big boulder, trying to rid themselves of the guilt they felt about the disappearance of the Wizard. Each felt it was partially his own fault that Gandalf had fallen to his doom.

Aragorn finally announced, "Enough! We must move on."

Boromir looked at him angrily. "Give them a moment, for pity's sake!"

Aragorn stared at him, assuming command of the situation. "By nightfall these hills will be crawling with orcs. We must make it to the woods."

"Nightfall?" spoke up Fiona. "It'll take that long?"

Aragorn nodded, unsure why she was asking.

"Sh-shouldn't we stop to make camp?" Fiona fidgeted nervously and looked at the sun, which was getting dangerously low to the horizon.

"No…that would take longer. We can keep going." Aragorn turned to rouse the other members of the party. Fiona sighed heavily.

After another hour or two of walking, the sun was beginning to set. Fiona could take it no longer. She got in Aragorn's face and yelled, "I need to find somewhere to camp NOW!"

All chattering and sobbing in the group ceased immediately. Aragorn put up his hands. "Easy! All right, we'll camp." He shook his head. Mortal women were just as strange as Elven women sometimes.

After they had set up camp right outside the edge of the woods (with Aragorn muttering the whole time about how they were RIGHT THERE, certainly they could have taken a few more steps), and Fiona had her own tent, complete with door, everyone tried to rest. Legolas stood guard, as he wasn't quite as exhausted as the rest of them, being immortal.

For several hours, as the other members of the party dropped off to sleep, the watch was somewhat uneventful, and for that Legolas was thankful. Then suddenly, there was a rustle in the bushes at the very edge of the forest, followed by a strange noise.

"Who's there?" Legolas called softly, not wanting to alarm the rest of the group.

A low growling purr sounded from behind the closest tree, and Legolas readied his bow and arrow, cautiously approaching the forest. Just as he neared the tree, a small furry shape pounced from the shadows.

**A/N: Guess who? Sorry for the lack of updates. I've been uninspired for awhile, just reading up on my favorite ff authors. :-) No promises, but I'll TRY to update sooner in the future. Hope you're still following this fic…thanks for the wonderful reviews I've gotten so far!**


	19. Here, Kitty Kitty

ONE SHREK TO BRING THEM ALL

Chapter Nineteen: "Here Kitty Kitty…"

"Mrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrow!"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!"

As these sounds and various banging and scratching noises echoed throughout the camp, the other members of the Fellowship were awakened in alarm. Everyone flew to the edge of the woods to see what was going on. Even Fiona peeked an eye around her tent-flap door.

What they saw brought them tumbling to the ground in fits of mirthful laughter.

Legolas was fighting. With a CAT! A cat wearing boots and a feathered hat.

What was more, the cat appeared to be winning.

Aragorn tried to get up and help Legolas, but soon was overcome by laughter again, and could only watch helplessly from a distance, while Legolas and the cat rolled, scratched, tumbled and wrestled.

Shrek managed to push aside his amusement long enough to get on his feet. He made his way into the fray and pulled the animal from where it had its claws lodged in the Elf's hair. He tossed the cat a few feet away, where it landed on its booted feet and began to lick its wounds.

Legolas sat up, sputtering with rage. "That-that…what the…how did…why I oughtta…" Aragorn managed to keep him from charging the cat again by whispering to him that his hair was a mess. Startled into silence, Legolas quickly began to repair his split ends with his specialty leave-in conditioner.

Shrek turned to the cat, who was sitting on his haunches looking at Legolas with renewed light in his eyes, and without the malice that had once been reflected there. "Who are you?"

The cat stood to his feet and took a bow, sweeping his feathered hat off of his head. "I am Puss. In boots," he added proudly, showing off his expensive Italian footwear.

The Hobbits ooh-ed and ahh-ed, impressed.

Legolas stopped his hair ministrations to gape at the cat. "YOU'RE the infamous hell-cat warrior, Puss in Boots? Why I must have heard a thousand tales of the bravery of such an animal. Yet you're a mere kitty-cat."

Puss swept his hat from his head once again, "For you, I will be anything."

"Um…" Legolas looked uncomfortable. "Thanks. I think."

"You're more than welcome, _senorita_," purred Puss, kissing, er, licking Legolas' hand.

"Now see here!" The Elf was indignant at this. "I am no girl!"

Puss raised his eyebrows tauntingly, "Whatever you say, _amor_."

Legolas let out a growl and stamped his foot. "Tell this feline monstrosity that I am indeed MALE!" he demanded of the Fellowship.

Everyone whistled and looked everywhere but Legolas, innocent smiles pasted to their faces.

"Bloody traitors," muttered the Elf.

Shrek shook his head and turned back to the cat. "What are you doing here? And why did you attack Legolas?"

"I am dreadfully sorry about that, _mi querida_. I did not know that you were so beautiful a damsel in distress, or I would have more properly introduced myself before I pounced on top of you." Puss waggled his eyebrows at Legolas again. "Unless that's the way you LIKE it."

Legolas retched into the bushes. The rest of the Fellowship pretended not to notice.

"Well? Are you going to answer me?" Shrek demanded, getting impatient with the romantic cat.

Puss nodded. "A thousand apologies, _mi amigo_, but I am the Marchwarden of Lothlorien. I routinely patrol the borders, and saw your campfire. I mistook your party for a band of Orcs or Goblins. We get a lot more of them nowadays since the Dark Lord…" Puss spat in the direction of Mordor, "…rose to power again."

Gimli smirked. "Yes, I can see how you'd mistake Legolas for an Orc or a Goblin."

Legolas gave him a Look.

Puss licked Legolas' face amorously.

Legolas vomited again. When he steadied himself, he turned again to the lovestruck pussy-cat. "You lie. You are no Marchwarden. Haldir is the Elf who holds that position here. He is a friend of mine, although I have not seen him in many years."

Puss in Boots bowed low. "A thousand pardons, _senorita_, but it is you who are mistaken. The one you speak of no longer holds the office of Marchwarden. He was adopted, you see."

Legolas frowned. This was highly irregular. "Adopted? By whom?"

"By the Fairy Godmother, _mi amor_, who changed his name. He is no longer Haldir, but he is called Prince Charming," replied the cat.

Aragorn groaned. "Oh no. Not Fairy Godmother."

Everyone turned to him. "You know of the Fairy Godmother, _senor_?" asked Puss.

Aragorn nodded reluctantly, a sour expression pasted to his face. "How do you think I ended up with Arwen? She made a wish for a husband, and one of her stipulations was for him to become King one day. Basically she wanted to be a Queen when she grew up. So certain events transpired, such as the death of my parents, my adoption by her father Elrond, and his subsequent betrothal of myself to her. I never even stood a chance."

Boromir, Merry and Pippin looked at him in awe. "But she's gorgeous! How can you sound so disappointed by that?" asked Boromir, enviously.

The future King of Men shot him a woeful glance. "She's not the granddaughter of Galadriel for nothing. You'll see what I mean once we get inside Lothlorien."

Puss stood again and drew his rapier, which none of them had noticed until now. "I am sorry _senors y senorita_, but I cannot allow you to pass."

"What?" Legolas cried. "This is an outrage! And I'm NOT a GIRL!"

Puss narrowed his eyes at the Ogre. "You bring great evil with you, _mis amigos_. You may go no further."

TBC

A/N:

Spanish: mi querida – my dear

amor – love

mi amigo – my friend

everything else – obvious lol

My sincerest apologies to Haldir. This story is starting to get more into Shrek's movie than just the Fellowship of the Ring, thankfully. I told you it would stray from the canon as it went along, just be patient. Eventually I'm going to revamp the earlier chapters so they'll be longer and less canon too. EVENTUALLY. Until then, here's a little something to tide you over. Reviews are welcome. Flames will be used to make s'mores for anyone who wants them. I'm in the mood for chocolate anyhow. Hehe…


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